As Told By Molly

So at church I thought we had a pretty good system. We don't have a usual "spot", but we do have a preferred sitting area. We (I) try very hard to be early so that we can sit in the softer pews up front. See, there is a distinct difference with the crowds that sit up in the front area of the chapel, the middle overflow, and the cultural hall. I think it has something to do with age. The older folks definitely love their cushioned pews, and let's face it, all those years of wrangling kids and never properly hearing the speakers; they deserve a good seat in their aging years. Then there's the families with teenagers who can dress themselves and get out the door on time. And then you have families like mine who speed-dress to make it to church just hoping to be lucky enough to snag a pew up front and then finish putting on the lipstick in the church bathroom. Only a couple bigger families and not too many with little babies.

The overflow folks are a mixed media of families, younger couples without kids but who want to be close enough to the action so they can watch the Cheerio fights in the event that the speaker gets boring, and the families that lucked out on the good pews because we got there first.

Now the cultural hall crowd is hard to explain. But if you knew my mom's side of the family it would be easy, I could just say they are like my mom's side of the family. Easy-going, laid back, want to ask how your garden is coming along or if you tried that one recipe yet, they gave it a really good effort but never seem to make it there before the opening song (lost shoe, wrinkled shirt, couldn't find the church bag...). But no harm done, they made it before the sacrament and got a seat pretty close to the door if the baby gets rowdy. We fall into this category plenty of times. As a matter of fact, I grew up in this category and turned out just fine.

But as a parent now (and with only two kids, geesh, you would think I could handle this better) I really want, no have, to sit up in the soft seats. See, here's the "pretty good" system I mentioned earlier. The side of pews that we like are against the wall and create a good little cage for my wild cat daughter. Plus the backs of the pews are tall enough to hide the sippy cup and fruit snacks I smuggle in to keep the peace.

So here's how it usually looks:

Porter against the wall, coloring or reading or (wonders of wonders) listening.

London by Porter because sometimes he'll quietly read to her, but right by me because she really is wild.

Me.

Olen - the isle blockade.

The only problem with this brilliant plan is that me and all the kids sit on Olen's blind side. So he can freely listen and ignore the pandemonium coming from his left and enjoy every single speaker, musical number, announcement, prayer. This irritates me slightly. I want to put on blinders and ignore my kids, too! But I need Olen-the-isle-blockade, so whatever. It looks like this:

But since someone has to wrestle away the tampon London pulled out from my ancient make-up bag I keep for emergencies in the church bag and tell Porter to keep his feet off the hymn book holder. It looks like this:

I feel like this:

Yesterday we tried something new. I told Olen how I felt frustrated that I had to pretty much handle the kids all alone and people probably thought he was a lazy daddy (that's what got him!) and he said that I could sit by the isle and listen and he would sheriff the kids the whole time. Well, it was sweet and well intended. We started out like this:

The only problem. Still blindsided.

So it ended up getting this way again.

Then the kids had to cross over Olen to get to me ("Porter took my book.", "Can I get a drink?", "Look at this toe nail, I think it's falling off. Can you pull it out for me?" True story.) Like this:

Actually like this:

I wanted to shoot myself. And I bet the families around us did, too. Maybe we're just not cut out to be front pew material? I got up and sped-walked out of there right after the closing prayer and locked myself in the bathroom.

Well, thanks for letting me vent. I have another favor to ask; What do you do to keep from wanting to shoot yourself at the end of the meeting?
Awesomer coloring books? Better snacks? Benadryl?
The deep breathing and tapping points are not working anymore and I have to do this all over again in six days.